How to Maintain a Long-Distance Friendship

Whenever I think about my circle of close girlfriends, the first thing I usually think about is how most of them live out-of-town and how much of a bummer that is. From Oakland to Germany, my close girlfriends are actually not very close to me at all. However, even though most of my girlfriends are too far away to see on a regular basis, I still do my best to stay in touch with them regularly and keep up-to-date with their lives, and vice versa. Here are some of the ways my friends and I are able to maintain our long-distance friendships:

1) Use social media to stalk each other. This is the easiest and most obvious way to find out what’s going on with your far away friends. In this day and age of social networking, smart phones, and always having to be “connected,” it’s pretty impossible to not know what’s happening in your bestie’s life (unless she’s a rebel and doesn’t use social media). While you’re at it, let your girlfriend know you’re stalking thinking about her. Write on her FB wall. Like her Instagram pics. Comment on her blog. Something that one of my best friends did on the 4th of July was send me a picture via Facebook of a pug wearing a patriotic hat. I love pugs, so this made my day. What made this gesture even better was knowing that my bestie saw that pug pic, thought of me, and let me know it. I love knowing that my long-distance girlfriends are thinking of me even though we’re in different cities.

2) Make an effort to talk one-on-one with phone, email, or Skype. Social media’s great and all, but if you really want to make an effort, pick up the phone or shoot her an email. Even text messages are kind of rare these days. Whenever I get a text from a friend, it feels like they’re making a little bit of an extra effort to stay in touch.

3) Send them snail mail or care packages. I love sending mail. Nobody does it anymore, yet people love receiving something in the mail other than bills and credit card offers. In addition to sending out Christmas cards in December, I send my girlfriends birthday cards around their birthdays. As for care packages, when I was living in South Korea, a couple of my besties sent me a care package for my birthday and a care package around Christmas. And you know what? It made me THE HAPPIEST.

4) When they’re in town, drop what you’re doing to hang out with them. When my girlfriends are in town, I do whatever I can to see them during their stay. For example, one of my girlfriends (who lives out of the country) spent the weekend in Sacramento a few months ago to see some friends before leaving the country again. I had marked her visit on my calendar and made sure I had some time that weekend to spend with her while she made her rounds. I ended up meeting her for happy hour when she got into Sac, then again for brunch before she left. I’m so glad I got to see her because who knows when I’ll see her again since she lives out of the country!

5) Make an effort to visit them in their city. Friendship is a two-way street. If your far away friends are making an effort to visit you in your city, you better be returning the favor! I know this can be hard if you have friends who live out of state (and especially if they live out of the country). Lucky for me, most of my far away friends live a couple hours away at the most, so it makes it easy for me to take day trips to go see them and spend some quality time together.

How are some ways you stay in touch with your long-distance friends?

Ice Skating and Double Dating

Remember how I mentioned I wanted to go ice skating this holiday season? Well, over the weekend, we made it happen! Last night, Chris and I met up with our friends Brigette and Brad for a double date at the Downtown Sacramento Ice Rink. After paying for our admission and lacing up our rental skates, we headed out to the rink for an hour on the ice. It was Chris’ first time ice skating, and I was quite rusty, so we mostly stuck by the railing and did our best to keep each other from falling. Even though we’re not great ice skaters, we still had fun and really enjoyed the Christmas-time-in-Sacramento ambiance. After our hour-long session ended, we headed back to Brigette and Brad’s apartment for drinks, snacks, and a Christmas Vacation.

The best part about the night was the opportunity to share it with our friends! Ever since I moved back from Korea, I’ve been on the lookout for couples whom Chris and I can double date with. However, it’s not always easy. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “a good friend is hard to find.” Well, a good couple to double date with is even harder to find! The reason for this is because instead of just making sure two people get along and have stuff in common, you now have to make sure that all four people get along and have common interests. Chris and I have gone on double dates before where he and the other guy had nothing in common, or the other girl and I had nothing in common. That has never been the case with Brigette and Brad: Brigette and I were roommates in college, and Chris and Brad bonded instantly over their mutual love for the movie Ghostbusters when they first met. Since then, we have gone on numerous fun double dates together and they are definitely one of our favorite couples to hang out with!

How was your weekend?

Have you ever gone ice skating before?

Do you and your significant other go on double dates often?

On Making and Maintaining Friendships

When I was in college, I never had a hard time making or maintaining my friendships. I was single and ready to mingle, which meant I was always up for going out. I was actively involved with my college’s dance department and Sacramento’s swing dance scene, which meant I spent a lot of time around outgoing people who were also single and ready to mingle. In college, I had many close friends whom I saw all the time.

However, since I’ve been out of college, a lot of that has changed; I feel like over the last two years, I’ve a) lost touch or grown apart from a lot of my close friends and b) have had a hard time making new friends. Here’s why:

• I met Chris a month before I moved to Korea and he became my boyfriend. We all know what happens when a girl or guy enters into a new relationship: they fall off the face of the Earth.
• I moved to South Korea for a year. International long-distance friendships are definitely hard to maintain, especially when you’re balancing them and an international long-distance relationship.
• I got engaged when I moved back from Korea. Planning and saving for a wedding definitely takes away from going out with friends.
• When I got back from Korea, I realized everything had changed. A lot of my friends had moved on with their lives with new jobs, new boyfriends/husbands, new priorities, and *gasp* new friends. News flash, Gina: the world doesn’t stop for you.
• I haven’t been dancing much since I’ve been home. It’s hard to meet people through your hobby when you don’t, you know, do your hobby.
• Being married puts me into a different life stage than a lot of my friends. Don’t get me wrong, I do have some married friends, but I’d say a majority of my friends are in a relationship or single. Sometimes, being in a different life stage than someone else makes it hard to find things in common.

This is what I’ve been struggling with since I moved back to California: maintaining my existing friendships and making new ones. I even went through a phase a couple months ago when I thought, “Who needs friends anyway?! Everyone’s too busy, including me! I’ll just hang out with my husband!” Luckily, that phase passed after reading two great books: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche. I absolutely loved these two books because they helped me realize the importance of having and maintaining friendships, and how to do so. These are some of the books’ main points that stuck out to me:

• We, as humans, need close long-term relationships; we need to be able to confide in others, we need to belong. (The Happiness Project)
• Studies show that having strong relationships lengthens life, boosts immunity, and cuts risk of depression. (The Happiness Project)
• Show Up! A big part of friendship is showing up. Unless you make consistent efforts, your friendships aren’t going to survive. (The Happiness Project)
• Remember your friends’ birthdays, anniversaries, and important dates. And do something for them, whether it’s a card, email, phone call, etc. (The Happiness Project)
• Women need female friendships more than men need male friendships. Being the more emotional, talkative gender, women need a female companion with whom they can talk for hours, vent to, analyze their relationships/careers/big life decisions, etc. Being the non-emotional, non-talkative gender, men can’t always get the job done. It’s also a lot more fun to see a chick flick or have a spa day with your girlfriends than your man. (MWF Seeking BFF)
• You have to make the effort when it comes to friends. You can’t just sit on your butt and wait for new friends to come to you; you have to put the work in! Join a club, take a class, or volunteer. Attend social gatherings. Be aggressive about following up after first girl dates, instead of saying “Let’s do this again soon” and then never make plans. (MWF Seeking BFF)
• Both books agree that having strong social bonds is probably the most meaningful contributor to happiness.

With all that being said, here are some ways I plan on working on my current friendships, and making new ones:

• Go on one girl date a week. I want to be more consistent with seeing my friends, old and new, so I think planning one girl date a week will help me with that.
• Send cards in the mail. For the past few months, I’ve gotten really into sending snail mail, mainly greeting cards for birthdays, Christmas, etc. I think sending an unexpected card in the mail to a friend is a nice, small effort that says, “Hey, I’m thinking about you!” I’m actually planning on sending my girlfriends Valentine’s Day cards this year, and I can’t wait! Bonus: people love getting non-junk mail.
• Host more get-togethers and parties. This is going to be so much easier now that Chris and I have a bigger place. We actually just hosted a Game Night last Saturday and it was so much fun! I invited over a bunch of our friends whom we hadn’t seen in months to eat, drink, and play Cards Against Humanity. Chris and I had a blast hosting the small get-together and agreed to host many more in the future.
• Start a book club or take a class. I’ve been wanting to do both for a while now. Now I have another incentive to do so: meet new people!
• Use text, email, and social media to maintain contact. When I’m not sending cards in the mail, I want to be contacting my friends in other ways. Sometimes my friends and I go weeks without seeing each other, but that doesn’t mean we can’t text/email/Facebook in between! When I see something that reminds me of a friend, I’m going to send her a picture text of it. I’m going to send emails just to “say hi.” I’m going to post more on my friends’ Facebook walls. I’m going to do a better job of letting my friends know that I miss them.

What are some of your thoughts on making and maintaining friendships? Have you read The Happiness Project or MWF Seeking BFF? If so, what did you think?

On Making Friends

I believe a lot of people who know me would say that I’m a friendly person who enjoys meeting new people, so because of these character traits, I’ve never had a hard time making friends. When I lived in Sacramento, I had many friends who came from different social circles: dance friends, school friends, and work friends. Not only did I have a lot of friends, but I had a lot of friends whom I connected with. In Sacramento, I had friends whom I could talk with for hours and call on when I was sad; I had friendships I didn’t have to put work or energy into because they were solid, natural, and effortless.

And then I moved to Korea.

When I first arrived here, I didn’t have to put in effort when it came to making friends because I already had a few friends waiting for me: One of my best friends from home, Blythe, had been here for five months already, so she introduced me to her close friends here, Michelle and Melissa, as well as friends whom she saw at the neighborhood foreigner’s bar weekly. Blythe, Michelle, Melissa, and I became a close foursome: we’ve bonded over weekly dinner dates, day-trips to Seoul, and new experiences that come with living in a foreign country. Even though I’ve never felt a close bond to Michelle and Melissa like the one I have with Blythe (we’ve been friends for six years), I still consider them to be my ‘Korea besties.’

The hardest thing about moving to a new country and making friends with other foreign teachers is everyone arrives at different times, so everyone leaves at different times. I didn’t realize this would affect me until Michelle went home to Canada at the end of August. Once Michelle left, it hit me that Melissa and Blythe’s contracts would be ending soon, too: Melissa is going back to New York on October 10th, and Blythe is going back to California in mid-November.

My close friends are leaving, so what this means is I have to make new friends, and fast. I do have some other friends whom I see once or twice a week at our neighborhood foreigner bar, but none whom I’m really close to like I am with Michelle, Melissa, and especially Blythe. I feel like the reason for this is because I’m in a different place in life than most of the people who come to Korea to teach English: most of my friends are single, like to drink a lot, and stay out late on the weekends and even the weeknights; I’m in a serious relationship, I don’t like staying up late, and I don’t like hanging out at bars anymore. Essentially, most of the people I’ve met so far are here to party and have a good time, and I’m here to gain good work experience and save money. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with their reasons for being in Korea; I’m just saying it’s hard to connect with people I don’t have a lot in common with.

I’m going to keep trying to make good friends in Korea, though– I have to, otherwise it’s going to be a very lonely winter coming up. I do have some good Korean friends here; I just prefer foreigners a little more because with foreigners, there aren’t language barriers and cultural differences. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my existing and (hopefully) new friendships ahead. All I know is I really miss my friends from back home: I miss our Sing Star parties and wine nights; I miss our inside jokes and moments of bonding; I miss them.

I Got Friends in NEW Places

“‘Cause I got friends in low places, where the whiskey drowns, and the beer chases the blues away, and I’ll be okay.” – Garth Brooks

Remember when I was offered that job teaching English in Thailand but decided to hold out for the job in South Korea? Well, one of the reasons I wanted to hold out for the second job is because I don’t know anyone in Thailand, but I already knew a handful of people in South Korea prior to moving here. My long-time, good friend, Blythe, moved here last November to teach English, and she is actually the one who planted the “Apply to teach English in South Korea!” seed in my head this past December. Knowing that I would already have one of my closest friends there waiting for me who would also be willing to show me the ropes and introduce me to new people was a huge incentive for me to apply. So I did, and now that I’m here, Blythe has been extremely helpful when it comes to settling into my new life in South Korea: She picked me up from the airport, helped me find my new apartment, and taught me how to work my appliances since the instructions are all in Korean; she lives ten minutes away from me, so she has shown me around our neighborhood, how the bus system works, and how to get to places where I can buy food and necesseties for my new home away from home.

Blythe and I getting ready to meet some friends for dinner

What Blythe has also been doing is introducing me to tons of new people here: two of her good friends, Melissa and Michelle, as well as a bunch of other really awesome native English teachers. I’m able to  see a lot these new friends every week at either dinner outings, or the foreigners’ bar that they–and now I–frequent.

Michelle and Melissa are awesome!

A fun, eventful, and DRUNKEN night at the foreigners' bar

The second way to meet new friends here is through swing dancing. Included in the handful of people I knew before I came here is an awesome lindy hopper named Nalla; Nalla and I met in 2009 when he came to Sacramento for a dance event and have kept in touch ever since through Facebook and Twitter. Now that I’m living here, Nalla has been super helpful with introducing me to the amazing lindy hop scene here; he even hosted a jam for me my first night out social dancing!

Me and Blythe with Nalla and his wife, Jessica

My third way to meet new friends is through my co-workers– in particular, my main co-teacher, Ye-Ji. Ye-Ji is my age and she lives about 15 minutes away from me. One of the first things Ye-Ji said to me once I got here was, “We be together, always.” I’ve found that that was her way of saying, “We’re going to hang out all the time and be the best of friends!” Not only has Ye-Ji been helping me at school, showing me around, and teaching me about the Korean culture/language, she also plans fun outings for us to do outside of school.

Me and Ye-Ji eating out. Like our orange bibs?

Me with all of the third grade teachers

Last Monday she planned a dinner outing for us and the other 3rd grade teachers at our school.

With Ye-Ji and her friends at Olympic Park in Seoul

At the ball game!

Last Saturday, she planned a fun day for us in Seoul that involved going to Olympic Park, and then to a baseball game. It was really fun to meet Ye-Ji’s friends from college, who turned out to be very sweet. And they could even speak some English!

I really can’t express how lucky I am that I have not just one, but three social groups here in South Korea to help me get to know new people and make new friends. I am forever grateful for Nalla, Ye-Ji, and Blythe especially for all of their help with getting me settled in. Without them, leaving my life and all of my loved ones behind in Sacramento would have been so much harder than it already has been.

Appreciate: My Family and Friends are Absolutely Amazing

 

Surrounded by love and happiness on my graduation day

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

2010 has been quite an eventful year for me: my mom passed away, I turned 25, I performed in two dance concerts, and I graduated from college. Throughout the course of these events that have happened within the last year, I’ve realized something important: I have family and friends who love me, believe in me, and will support me no matter what.

After my mom’s cancer returned earlier this year, I had friends, family friends, and relatives reaching out to help me and my family in every way possible. My friends gave me their shoulders to cry on and did their best to make me laugh or smile whenever possible. My family friends brought over cards and flowers for my mom. And when my mom inevitably passed away, my relatives supplied all of the food for her Celebration of Life Memorial.

Once my 25th birthday came around in May, my family and friends did everything they could to make my day special. My girlfriends went wine tasting with me during the day and out to dinner with me at night. My roommate and dad cooked special meals for me. And both of my family members and friends showered me with homemade cupcakes, flowers, and thoughtful gifts.

When it came time for me to perform in my dance concerts, my family and friends were all in attendance. They paid for tickets and for parking. They showed up early and took me out to eat afterward. They brought me flowers, and they sat front and center.

The closer I became to finishing up my last semester of college and graduating, the more my family and friends cheered me on. When I told them about my after-college plans for teaching in another country next year, they expressed genuine encouragement and excitement for me. After completing my very last final, some of my co-workers took me out drinking to celebrate. And on my graduation day, many of my family and friends were there to celebrate my important day with me.

The evening of my graduation day, I went out to dinner with some of my closest friends. Once all nine of us sat down at the dinner table and began looking over the menu, my friend Kiersten leaned over to me and said, “Look at all these people here at your graduation dinner. You are so loved.” After Kiersten said this to me, I took a good look around the table. “I am,” I replied. “I really am.”

In 2010, the one thing I have come to appreciate the most is the love, belief, and support of my family and friends. I plan on expressing my gratitude by constantly showing my love, belief, and support for them in return.

Let Go: Figuring Out Who My True Friends Are

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

If there was one thing I learned from my mom’s ordeal with cancer earlier this year, it was whom I could call a true friend. More specifically, I learned how to identify the “convenience friendships” in my life, and how to let go of them, no matter how much history and how many years of friendship I had shared with that person. Or, so I thought.

Five years is a long time to wonder how much you mean to someone. To always be an option rather than a priority. To sit on the sidelines and watch while he or she does whatever is convenient for him or her at the time. I finally understood how much I meant to a “best friend” of mine this year when I withdrew from my social life in order to take care and spend every waking minute with my mom since her cancer was getting worse and worse every day. Even though I was M.I.A. from my social circle for two months, many of my friends continued to check up on me every so often and inquire as to my mom’s health status in many different ways: in person, phone, text, email, Facebook, etc. These small gestures, these minute actions, actually meant a lot to me: It not only showed me that my friends cared about me, but that they were concerned for my mom as well. So imagine my hurt and disappointment when someone whom I thought was one of my “best friends,” someone who knew my mom and was close to my family, failed to show any kind of care or concern at all. Not a single phone call, text message, or email for two months. And that was the confirmation I needed to realize that after five years of sitting on the sidelines and waiting to be a priority, I was always going to be the option, the “bench warmer.” After five years of questioning how much I meant to this “best friend” of mine, I finally knew the answer: not enough.

At the time, it really broke my heart to realize this about someone whom I cared about so much, and whose friendship I placed so much value on. After the heartbreak was over, however, I started to understand that this revelation was for the best, because it meant my not being the convenience friend anymore. It meant investing my time and energy towards my affirmed or newfound true friends. It meant letting go and moving on. And that’s exactly what I did. Until recently.

For the past four months, “best friend” has been making many attempts to come back into my life again. Consistent attempts. Repeated attempts. Genuine attempts, like attending my dance show, visiting me at work, showing sadness whenever I talk about moving away next year, expressing concern when I’m hurt, and making an effort to spend time with me. It’s as if I’ve finally become a priority to this person. I’m not a convenience anymore.

So what does all this mean? Is “best friend” trying to make up for not being a best friend during the time I needed one the most? Is “best friend” turning into Best Friend? I wish I knew. Part of me is thinking, “Don’t hold your breath. ‘Best friend’ has done this many times before. You’re just what’s convenient for right now.” And the other part of me is thinking, “Things are different this time. Learn to forgive and forget.”

This year, I let go of a convenience friendship because I was tired of the incessant hurt and disappointment that came with it. However, the more and more effort “best friend” makes to be a true friend, a Best Friend, the more I find myself letting someone whom I let go, back in again.